At the start of 2023, I shared that I would write shorter, more frequent editions of our BrainBuzz info journal. As you can see from this last edition’s title for the year, ‘The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men often go Awry’ I want to share the story behind my ‘wobble’.
A great start to 2023….until February
For the past 5 plus years, my hubby and I have lived in a lovely, characterful (i.e. old!), 2-bedroom apartment on the beautiful Northern Beaches of Sydney. We have embedded ourselves in the community and consider our street to the best in the world!
The person with whom we need to deal officially is mentally unstable and since their involvement, life has been extremely difficult. We decided to challenge our treatment in a tribunal as fairness is high in both of our hierarchy of needs (and we didn’t want this happening to anyone else), and what a rollercoaster 10 months it has been.
Something had to Give
I am strong, I’ve had more than my fair share of knockdowns in the past and I teach resilience for goodness sake! What I didn’t see coming, and I know many of you will resonate with this, was the insidious nature of stress, until it bit me on the proverbial.
Something had to give; we were dealing with someone who was irrational and unreasonable and so all logical reasoning was of no use. Our sense of fairness was eating away at us and we started to squabble (we’ve been together 21 years and only ever had 2 fallouts).
My Brain gave me the Clues
I try to walk my talk when it comes to stress management and self-care, but this slipped when I was spending 10 hours a day at the computer compiling evidence and still doing my work.
What not to do:-
- I skipped my ‘take a break’ reminders
- I skipped my daily walks and beloved Zumba classes (but not my tap dancing!)
- I started to crave sugar and my diet suffered
- I distracted myself with unimportant tasks
- I was no longer jumping out of bed to do what I love – this was physical as well as emotional as my back gave way
The penny didn’t really drop until I realised the impact on my brain
- I was repeating work I had already done – re-reading research and not taking it in
- I wasn’t able to remember the contents of my presentations
- I struggled to think from a big picture perspective or be creative
- I began to be hard on myself for under-performing
This was my brain in ‘threat’ mode and classic symptoms of stress that we might not always be fully conscious of.
How to Prioritise?
I knew that I would never compromise on my commitments to my clients, even though my performance slipped a couple of times, so what dropped from the ‘to do’ list was staying in regular contact with you, my wonderful, loyal subscribers.
I also bumped self-care up the list of priorities, walking in nature more (my number 1 ‘go to’ strategy), being kinder to myself and using simple self-talk such as “this too shall pass” and “you’ve got this Clare”. I also used perspective, which doesn’t work for everyone, but when I thought of what’s happening in the Middle East, I became so very grateful for my lot.
It all Comes down to Social Needs
When under stress, there are core needs that are not being met. It may be a few or all and to notice is the first step to taking action.
For me this year the domino need was the need to be treated equitably and fairly (Objectivity). This was linked with the need for autonomy and when we realised that our ability to be treated equitably was outside of our control, that created the ripple effect of getting back up and moving forwards. We decided to let go – it’s still a work in progress.
In August I finally completed my White Paper ‘The SOCIAL Factor’ The Science Behind the Future of Effective People Leadership and I decided to filter my challenging experience through the SOCIAL Model lens – this is what unfolded :-
- Safety – we felt like we didn’t have a voice so decided to speak up
- Objectivity – we were dealing with a situation that was grossly unfair – we took action for justice and now are learning to rise above and let go
- Certainty – not knowing where we were going to live or what would happen each day was keeping us awake at night – so we decided to make plans (the antidote to worry is taking purposeful action!)
- Importance – not feeling heard was impacting our sense of being validated – so we validated each other! We also had great support from others who were involved with the same person
- Autonomy – we had little control over the outcome, so rather than become and stay angry, we started to include options in our planning
- Love – we had withdrawn and disconnected from friends and family – we’re reconnecting again (and with each other) and even held a party at the weekend
In Summary
The most important lesson has been accepting that I’m as wobbly as everyone and anyone else, that I’m human and I don’t always apply what I teach and, having accepted that, I am getting back in the front carriage of this rollercoaster of life and riding it with my hands in the air!
And yes, there will be more wobbles in the future but I’ll be able to recognise them earlier
Go well, stay well
Clare
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