It’s no secret that the Christmas and New Year holiday period can be both exciting and fraught with challenge, especially when it comes to communication and relationships. Some interactions, a little bit like hiccups, can be unwanted, annoying for everyone and difficult to get rid of!
What I would like to offer is a short but practical process for preventing, mitigating, or dealing with relationship conflict through the P.E.A.C.E process.
P stands for Perception – when we find that someone is pushing our buttons, it’s good to take a moment to reflect and do some self-enquiry about what we might be perceiving or what our perspective is.
For example, recently my husband and I spent time with some friends visiting from overseas and I was perceiving that one of those friends was deliberately targeting me with their cynical humour. I reacted and asked them to stop winding me up (Oh the irony isn’t lost on me – I did not employ the P.E.A.C.E process straightaway!).
Later, my husband pulled me to one side and shared that his perspective was that this was our friend’s way of wanting to engage with me. As soon as I accepted this, I was no longer triggered and accepted that we see things differently. Funnily enough, the cynicism also disappeared.
Perspective is Everything!
E stands for Empathy – I am the first to acknowledge that being empathic whilst being triggered is not the easiest of things to do, but it does result in bridges being built rather than burned.
If we take just one moment to try our best to put ourselves in the shoes of the person who we’re struggling to communicate with, then maybe, just maybe, we might see something in our own behaviour that is triggering them.
In my example with friends, we hadn’t seen each other in a long time, so it took time for them to settle in to their new environment, which I hadn’t made myself aware of and only later appreciated. Had I been more aware, I would have approached things differently.
A stands for Action – I am British by birth and stereotypically have tended to sweep things under the carpet, ignore the elephant in the room and avoid conflict like the plague. My last 20 years of living in Australia though has helped me to be more forthcoming about talking about how we communicate. So, for example, I am now more able to say “I think our wires are getting crossed, so please help me to understand where you’re coming from”, and then being quiet and listening to what they have to say.
We can resolve so many potential misunderstandings by taking action and naming the discomfort in an open and dispassionate way, than staying quiet and suppressing our emotions, a process that we know from neuroscience has the opposite effect.
C stands for Connection – how else can I build connection with this person? In general, people like to talk about themselves, so asking open questions about what’s important to them or what interests them can help you to find commonalities and focus more on what you can agree on than what you can disagree on.
E stands for Evaluation [it’s really reflection but that doesn’t fit the P.E.A.C.E acronym!] – in this fast-paced, information-rich, digital world, we’re finding less and less time for reflection which can cost us in terms of relationships.
At the end of each day if we can take just 5 minutes to reflect on the steps we took to build rapport, to create harmony and to stay authentic, we can enjoy our time, enjoy each other and greet the New Year with enthusiasm, energy and hopefully hiccup-free!
And if this is going a step too far may I suggest that E stands for Evacuate – and Extricate yourself from the situation!
Wishing you and your loved ones (and even those ‘interesting’ relatives!) a Happy and P.E.A.C.Eful time ahead and an abundance of whatever you wish for yourselves in 2025.
Leave a Reply